Handler of the Jinchuuriki
by Writing bunny
Summary: Most Hidden Villages have a person assigned to take care of their jinchuuriki. Konoha doesn't. Why? Maybe there's a reason.
1. Tenzo

**Author's note:** So here I am with a new story. It's an idea I had for a long time and only now I got around to actually writing it.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Prologue**

Most of the Hidden Villages who have a jinchuuriki have a handler assigned to taking care of him or her. Konoha doesn't. Why? Maybe there was a reason. Watch the ninja of Konoha try their hand at being Naruto's handler.

**Tenzo**

"Wanna tree!" the angelic-looking almost three year old child demanded with a definitely unangelic attitude.

"Not now," his worn-out caretaker sighed.

"Wanna tree!" Naruto repeated his demand for the hundredth time this day.

"No."

"But I wanna tree!" the boy repeated with more force.

"Maybe later," Tenzo sighed in an attempt to make his charge shut up finally.

"Wanna tree now," Naruto pouted.

"No."

"Pwease." Naruto employed his strongest weapon: the puppy eyes.

"I'll do it later."

"Why not now?" Did I say the puppy dog eyes were Naruto's worst weapon? I take it back the kicked puppy eyes were much worse. Tenzo would give in, but he was too tired.

"I'll really do it later, I promise."

"I wanna tree now," the boy demanded.

"Stop it, Naruto," Tenzo said tiredly, hoping that the child would listen. It was really naive of him.

"Wanna tree now," the toddler pouted.

"No, and be a good boy."

"Wanna tree now!" the child was about to throw a fit.

"No, and stop being a brat." The jounin had no energy to deal with it now.

"**WANNA TREE!"** the shout was accompanied by a sense of incredible killing intent as the boy was enveloped in red chakra. Suddenly he looked like a demon instead of an angel.

"Not again," Tenzo groaned. "Jubaku no Jutsu!" He poured whatever chakra he had left into the technique. Trees sprouted from the ground, binding the young jinchuuriki and suppressing the Kyuubi's power. When it was done Tenzo sank to the ground completely exhausted.

"Yay! A tree!" Naruto exclaimed happily and climbed it. He made such a cute sight that Tenzo didn't know whether he wanted to hug him or strangle him. Because he was too tired to try either, he closed his eyes and fell asleep. He had to recover his energy fast. In a few hours Naruto was going to want another tree. He always did. Even if there was a whole forest around.

Tenzo quit the job after a week. He then spent a month in the hospital with chakra exhaustion.


	2. Kakashi

**Author's note: **Thanks to everybody who bothered to review. It's a great boost to an author's confidence. Because you've been so nice, here comes the second chapter.**  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.  
**

**Kakashi**

"So what's this letter, Naruto?" the silver-haired jounin asked his six-years-old charge.

"P," the boy answered, sounding confident.

"No," Kakashi shook his head. "Try again."

"B?" the little blond tried.

"Good," the masked man praised him. "And what is this one?"

"O."

"You got it on the first try," Kakashi smiled. "So what's this one?"

"It's the same. O."

"Right. And the next one?"

"B," the child answered. "This is boring."

"You're doing well. And we're almost done. So what's the last letter?"

"Z?"

"Close, but not quite," the jounin shook his head. "What is it?"

"Do I really have to do it?" Naruto whined. "I want to train to be an awesome ninja."

"You can't be an awesome ninja if you can't even read your mission assignment," Kakashi pointed out. "So what's the last letter?"

"S?"

"Very well," the man ruffled Naruto's hair. "So what does the word say?"

"B, o, o, b, s, hmmmmm... that's boobs," the boy said. "What's that?"

"That's a good question," a stern voice interjected. Kakashi jerked up. He hadn't noticed the newcomer until he spoke.

"Oh, Hokage-sama, what are you doing here?"

"I'm the one asking questions here," Sarutobi scowled. "I came to see how you were doing and what do I find here? Are you seriously teaching the child to read using Icha-Icha Paradise?"

"Uhhh... I can explain... it was the only book I could find..."

Kakashi was sacked immediatelly.


	3. Anko

**Author's note: **Chapter here. So far the last I've written. I'm taking suggestions for more chapters.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.  
**

**Anko**

Naruto smiled at the man in front of him.

"Uaaah!" the man screamed.

"What was that?" Anko scowled at her ten-years-old charge. "The scream wasn't long enough. Try again."

Naruto smiled at his next target, a middle-aged woman.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

"That was a bit better, but you're still not smiling creepy enough. She didn't even piss in her panties."

"I'm going to do it this time. Believe it," the young boy said with great resolve and headed for his next victim. And _smiled._ The man fainted and a strong odor enveloped the area.

"Very good, my young apprentice," Anko smiled proudly. "Not only he fainted, he crapped his pants too. Now because you were such a good boy, we'll grab some dango and then I'll teach you how to lick the blood of a kunai properly."


	4. Inoichi

**Author's note:** A reviewer asked me whether this is restricted to Anbu members or all characters go. The answer is all characters can appear here whenever I come with a funny way for them to fail at caring of Naruto. So far I've only been ionspired to write former Anbu members. There are more to come. Now let's see how the former head of T&I squad fares.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Inoichi**

It was a complete mystery. Naruto has always been a bad student in practically anything. Though he was already twelve and due to graduate the Academy soon, he had trouble reading. His aim with shuriken was sub-par. His grasp on strategy was fleeting. His ninjutsu was bad, mostly thanks to his atrocious chakra control. His genjutsu was nonexistent. He was good at traps and evading pursuit, but that was it. So why, oh why, did he suddenly learn one technique so perfectly? How did he learn it? And why did it have to be that one technique?

When they asked Naruto later all he answered was this: "When Ino could do it, I could too."

"But how?" Inoichi asked.

"I saw you teaching it to her," Naruto shrugged, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. But it wasn't. Learning a clan's secret technique just by watching should be impossible, even born Yamanaka required years of training before they could first try to perform the Shintenshin no Jutsu safely. But Naruto never cared about what he was and wasn't supposed to be able to do.

"Why did you do it?" the Yamanaka clan head demanded.

"Because it's so awesome! You should have seen what I made Sasuke do! He was so cute in the pink dress. And how I made him sing! Teme's fangirls were completely stumped. Now Sakura won't look at him again."

"So you caused all that trouble just to make a girl like you?" Inoichi inquired.

"What trouble?" Naruto looked puzzled. "I just made Sasuke-teme look like a moron."

"I mean that trouble," the clan head pointed at the path of destruction something really powerful left in the village.

"What's that?" the boy asked, not understanding what it had to do with him.

"Your work!" Inoichi said.

"My work? But I didn't do this," Naruto protested. "I was possessing Sasuke-teme, remember?"

"And you left your body unattended," the Yamanaka said. "Can't you see why this was a bad idea?"

"No. Why?" the child asked innocently.

"Because..." Inoichi started and then bit his tongue. Naruto didn't know about the Kyuubi and he wasn't allowed to tell him thanks to the Law. And how else was he supposed to explain to the brat that if he left his body, the demon fox got free rein over it until Naruto's spirit returned? Oh, he wasn't getting paid enough for this crap. Let somebody else deal with it.


	5. Danzo

**Author's note: **So far the chapters have been published in chronological order. This isn't the case anymore. So please don't be startled by sudden jumps in Naruto's age. Every chapter has him as old as his level of maturity suggests.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Danzo**

"A good ninja has no emotions. The only thing that matters to him is the mission," the old warhawk lectured. He had finally convinced that old fool Sarutobi to give the Weapon into his care and intended to make the most of it. He's been lecturing it for nearly an hour already and his throat was feeling parched. His only pupil, a golden-haired four-years-old child, ignored him completely in favor of playing with a stuffed frog plushy. If the old shinobi felt something, (which he didn't, because good ninja have no emotions, as he had said at least a hundred times today), he would be annoyed.

"Pay attention," Danzo scolded. Naruto glanced at him briefly and proceeded to play.

"I said that emotions are only a hindrance for a ninja. And so are attachments." The audience paid him no attention.

"Stop playing and listen," the aged ninja said sharply. "You are a living weapon, not a child." Said living weapon proceeded to merrily act like a little child. Danzo knew that emotions were unnecessary, but now he couldn't help but scowl. This was getting tiresome. And don't forget annoying.

"Stop playing and pay attention! I'm trying to turn you into a ninja here!" The boy stuck out his tongue and played, undisturbed by his outburst. Now the Root leader had it. He completely forgot that he wasn't supposed to have emotions, marched towards Naruto and yanked the toy from his hands.

"You are going to listen, you little demon!" So what if this was giving into his emotions and as such went against his beliefs, the little brat was seriously exasperating.

Naruto looked first at his empty hands and then at the plushy in Danzo's hand. "My froggy!" he pouted.

"Will you listen now?" It wasn't meant as a question.

"My froggy!" the four-year-old repeated, reaching for the toy. The old man kept it out of his reach.

"Stop this childish nonsense, your training as a living weapon of Konoha starts now."

"Give back froggy!" Naruto demanded.

"No," the old warhawk stated sternly. "Weapons don't need toys."

"Give back froggy!" The child ignored his lectures.

"Stop your whining. Emotions only hold ninja back."

"Give back froggy!" Naruto wailed. Danzo came to the conclusion that he wasn't going to listen as long as the toy was around. He decided to solve to situation in a way that could be only explained by his complete inexperience when it came to dealing with children.

"Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!" The flames completely incinerated the plushy. There was a second of stunned silence. Then...

"MY FROGGY!"

As the vile red chakra filled the room, Danzo realized that maybe he had made a mistake.

And so Danzo lost his eye and right arm. He then decided that some things just aren't worth it, even if it is for the benefit of Konoha.


	6. Asuma

**Author's note: **Thanks to all my faithful readers and reviewers. I'm really amazed how good response this story received. And because you were so good, here comes another chapter, another Naruto's victim. Read and enjoy.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Asuma**

"It stinks," the five-year-old boy scrunched his nose cutely when his guardian lit his cigarette.

"What are you talking about?" Asuma asked. "It's a pleasant, relaxing scent."

"It stinks," Naruto insisted.

"You don't know what you're talking about, kiddo," the jounin said.

"It stinks." The little boy sounded annoyed.

"Oh, come on, it's not so bad."

"It stinks awful." Naruto's tone made it clear that nothing could change his opinion.

"Alright," Asuma sighed and snuffed out the cigarette. Everything was alright for a while. Only Asuma's nicotine addiction demanded its next fix. Ten minutes later he couldn't resist it anymore and lit another cigarette.

"Stinks," Naruto scowled.

"Oh, come on, it's just one smoke."

"It stinks." His little charge was glaring at him.

"Oh, well." Asuma snuffed the cigarette again. This time it took only five minutes before he couldn't resist lighting it again.

"It stinks." Naruto scowled. This time Asuma refused to stop smoking. He really needed the nicotine.

"Just this one," he told Naruto.

"It stinks bad," the boy scowled darkly.

"Then I'll go over there," the jounin decided and walked towards a nearby tree. He leant against the trunk, hoping that he'd finally be able to enjoy his smoke in peace.

"It still stinks!" Naruto shouted.

"Oh, come on, you can't smell it over there!" Asuma shouted back and proceeded to enjoy his cigarette break. He closed his eyes in pleasure as he took a long drag. He really needed that. Curse that annoying child, he never let him smoke. Didn't he understand that he really couldn't do without it?

When Asuma opened his eyes again, he couldn't see Naruto anywhere. Oh no, did the boy slip away when he wasn't looking? But where could he have gone? Before he could start looking for him, several liters of cold water drenched him completely, dousing his well-deserved cigarette. He looked up. There in the tree branches was Naruto, holding a still dripping bucket almost as big as he was. The child was grinning from ear to ear.

"Much better."

Asuma quit the job after a week. He couldn't go without smoking for any longer. The withdrawal symptoms were bad.


	7. Genma

**Author's note: **Thank you for over a hundred reviews.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Genma**

Shiranui Genma thought he was doing a good job taking care of seven-year-old Uzumaki Naruto. He made sure that the boy was always clothed appropriately and fed properly and he prevented any form of harm from befalling the boy. Last week he even stopped one drunkard Kyuubi hater from attacking the child. He spat a senbon into his hand so fast the man didn't even have the time to slap his young charge. So why did the Sandaime summon him to discuss complaints against his guardianship?

The jounin stepped into the Hokage's office and immediately noticed Sarutobi glaring disapprovingly at the senbon he was chewing. What was his problem? He had never minded before. And if he suddenly developed a dislike against chewing sticks, he should start with Asuma's cigarettes. Now that was something that should be forbidden. His senbon didn't bother anyone with their foul stench.

"Ah, Genma," the aged village leader greeted. It didn't sound particularly friendly. "Are you teaching Naruto to spit senbon?"

"No, Hokage-sama," the jounin replied. The technique was too advanced for someone who had barely started attending the Academy. The risk of piercing his own tongue was too great.

"Then why do I have over a hundred complaints against Naruto spitting senbon at people on my desk?"

"What?" Genma blinked in surprise. This was the first he heard of it. "Naruto did no such thing." Well, in fact Naruto tried to spit senbon after the incident last week, but Genma had confiscated the senbon and forbade him from trying again, citing the aforementioned perils of the technique.

"Too many people say otherwise," the Third countered. "Do you really watch him all the time?"

"Yes. Well, almost." But he had let Naruto out of his sight for a few minutes at most. Just how much mischief could he have gotten into in such a short time? (Here Genma demonstrates his lack of experience with children. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked such a glaringly stupid question.)

"You have to keep better watch on him. And make sure the senbon-spitting stops," Sarutobi ordered.

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Genma bowed and left.

When he came home, he wasn't too surprised to see Naruto standing at the window with a bunch of senbon in his mouth, choosing his next victim.

"Naruto!" Genma shouted. "Stop it this instant!"

The startled child jumped and swallowed. The senbon went in sharp end first (because both ends were sharp).

After the doctors pulled all the senbon from Naruto's throat and stated that it was a miracle that the boy survived, the Hokage began looking for a caretaker for Naruto that would be better at keeping the child out of trouble and didn't leave so many senbon lying around.


	8. Aoba

**Author's note: **This might be out of character, but it was just too funny not to write.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Aoba**

"Why does everybody always glare at me?" eight year old Naruto asked his current guardian, Yamashiro Aoba. "It makes no sense. I've never hurt them, I never pranked them, I don't even know most of them, so why do they hate me?"

"Don't mind them," the jounin replied. "They're prejudiced. Just because you have the Kyuubi sealed inside you is no reason to..."

"I have the Kyuubi sealed inside me?" Naruto interrupted. Aoba paled as he realized he had said too much. "But I thought the Yondaime killed it."

"No. Your father..." the jounin bit his tongue as he realized he did it again.

"My father?" Naruto questioned. Aoba groaned. He was going to have a hard time talking his way out of this. Especially considering his tendency to let sensitive information slip.

And so Aoba was removed from his position as Naruto's caretaker. He was also never allowed near any classified information again.


	9. Gai

**Author's note: **The character several readers have been asking about finally appears.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Gai**

"Despair not that you got caught painting the Hokage Monument, my youthful friend!" Maito Gai exclaimed. Most people would get embarrassed just by being near the eccentric jounin, but not Uzumaki Naruto, because he was nine and didn't quite get the whole concept of embarrassment. Otherwise he couldn't run around the town in a bright orange jumpsuit, even if the original color of his garments was completely unrecognizable now when it was covered in still wet paint. "If you fail, take it as a prompt to become stronger!"

"Huh?" was Naruto's confused response.

"Ah, it seems you don't understand the concept of youthful training," the Green Beast said. "Then allow me to explain!" He flashed a blinding smile. It looked even more blinding than usual because his shiny white teeth reflected the neon paint splashed all over Naruto's body. "You know, the youthful challenges help us to improve when we fail."

"Improve when we fail?" the boy echoed. His face was scrunched in concentration as he tried to make sense of his current caretaker's words.

"Yes!" Maito Gai nodded enthusiastically. "For example, whenever I challenge my eternal rival Kakashi to a most youthful competition, I make a youthful promise what I would do if I lose. That way I'll become stronger so that I won't lose the next competition!"

"Huh?" Naruto had a little trouble finding the meaning in Gai's youthful speech.

"For example, if I lose the next contest, I'll do ten thousand pushups! And if I can't do it, I'll run around Konoha on my hands five hundred times! And if I can't do it, I'll lift a huge boulder ten thousand times!"

"Oh, I get it!" Naruto brightened up. "So if I can't paint the Hokage Monument, I'll put buckets over a thousand doors! And if I can't do it, I'll set a zillion tripwires! And if I can't do that, I'll spray-paint a gazillion houses! And if I can't do that, I'll pour buckets of paint on a bajillion people!"

"That's the spirit, my youthful friend!" Gai smiled his blinding smile. "Flames of Youth burn strong in you!"

Naruto was ecstatic that he finally got a guardian who supported him. The citizens of Konoha were quite unhappy because the property damage done by Naruto skyrocketed and continued to rise. And so Gai was relieved of his position after a week. The Hokage then had to find somebody who would quench Naruto's Flames of Youth at least a bit.


	10. Enma

**Author's note: **I got this idea from a line in a fanfic so I should probably give credit here if I could remember which fanfic it was.

Also this chapter comes with an illustration. You can find it on my DeviantArt profile. The link is on my author's profile page. Look at the picture after reading this, it's spoilerous.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Enma**

It was impossible to find a new caretaker for Naruto on such a short notice, but his last one had been catered off to the mental ward rather abruptly after she had started screaming about little orange demons and setting fire to everything orange she came across and the Sandaime knew just how disastrous it was to leave the young jinchuuriki without supervision even for a minute. Currently he was keeping an eye on him himself, but he couldn't continue any longer. He was already supposed to be in a meeting with the Elders and there was no way he could take Naruto with him. He didn't want his teammates to suffer a stroke over the child's antics. It seemed like a hopeless situation, but Sarutobi was known as the Professor for a reason and so he found a solution even now.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" he called slamming his palm on the floor. There was a puff of smoke and an ape dressed in samurai armor appeared. Naruto watched it wide-eyed. He had never seen anything this cool before.

"What have you summoned me for today, Sarutobi?" Enma asked. "Where's the enemy?"

"The monkey talks!" Naruto exclaimed. It was even cooler than he thought.

"Is it him?" the monkey king turned to the small child. Naruto recoiled in fear. The big monkey looked scary. But that made it even cooler.

"No," the Third shook his head, trying not to laugh at Naruto's expression. "I didn't summon you here to fight today. This is Uzumaki Naruto. Can you please keep an eye on him for a few hours?"

"Do I look like a nanny?" Enma sounded offended.

"I don't need a nanny!" Naruto protested. "I'm already six!"

"Well, I see you're going to get along," the Sandaime said hurriedly before his companions could protest further and left to attend the meeting. He couldn't afford to dawdle any longer. There was no telling what the Elders would come up with when he wasn't there. Or worse, Enma might refuse to babysit Naruto and then Sarutobi would have a problem.

Enma and Naruto stared at each other for a while after Hiruzen left. The boy was intrigued by the ape, having never seen anything similar before. Then he grabbed Enma's tail. At least he tried to. The monkey king dodged at the last moment.

"What are you doing?" the boss summon shouted. "Who do you think you are to grab my tail?"

"I am Uzumaki Naruto! I'm going to be the Hokage! Believe it!" the child declared proudly and grinned. Enma eyed him skeptically.

"Hokage? You? You're just a squirt. Can you even do the roar?"

"The roar?" Naruto asked puzzled.

"Yes, the roar. To show everybody who is the boss. If you can't do the roar, you can't be the Hokage," the ape king explained.

"Uwaaaah!" the boy tried the roar. Enma winced.

"You call this the roar? That was pathetic. Just a squeak. This is the roar! RWAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!" Enma roared punching his chest. The blond child stared awestruck.

"Cool."

"This was nothing," Enma waved his hand dismissively. "A real boss has to do this while swinging on a vine and throwing coconuts at his enemies."

"Teach me!" Naruto demanded.

"Show what you can do."

"Rwaaaeeiiigh!" Naruto tried.

"You have a lot to learn," the monkey king sighed.

"I'd do better if I could swing from a vine," the boy boasted.

"Can you even swing from a vine?" the summon asked.

"Ugh... Of course!" Naruto lied. Enma saw straight through it.

"You can't even swing from a vine? What do they teach you? Children today. Come with me, let's find a vine and I teach you how to swing properly." Naruto smiled brightly.

"Alright!"

When the Sandaime came back from the meeting that lasted several hours longer than it should have, he found Naruto covered in dirt, leaves and bruises swinging from the chandelier while screaming like mad and punching his chest. That was an odd sight even for somebody used to dealing with Naruto.

"What happened?" he asked not sure whether he really wanted to know the answer.

"Watch this!" Naruto exclaimed. "Rwaaargh!"

"What is it?" the Hokage asked completely baffled.

"That's the roar! So will you make me Hokage now?" The child looked completely sure that he deserved the hat.

"Why?" The Third still couldn't make sense of what was going on.

"Because who can do the best roar is the boss!" Naruto explained.

"You still have to practice a lot," Enma said. "It should be like this: RWAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!"

"I see." Sarutobi was finally beginning to understand the situation. "So why are you so bruised and covered in dirt?"

"I fell when I was learning how to swing on a vine," Naruto admitted.

"And don't forget how you fell when climbing the coconut palm," Enma said to the boy before turning to Sarutobi. "Seriously. This young one can't even climb trees and swing on vines and roar properly. What are you teaching children today?"

Hiruzen didn't dignify it with an answer. He had brought this mess on himself, honestly. He hadn't realized that though Enma was wise, he was still a monkey and therefore had very different ideas of what was the proper behavior. How could he have forgotten what had happened when he had summoned Enma to babysit Asuma once? His memory must be worse than he thought. Or maybe he had just suppressed that nightmarish experience. And where in Konoha did Enma find a coconut palm? Should he expect a complaint because of a destroyed garden tomorrow? His musings were interrupted by Naruto's question.

"So Old Man, can you roar better than me?"


	11. Koharu

**Author's note: **Reviwers asked for the Elder council trying their hand, so here it comes. I hope it's up to your standards. Also: Thanks for almost 200 reviews.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Koharu**

Uzumaki Naruto knew he wasn't going to like his new caretaker the moment Old Man Hokage introduced her to him. She was old and wrinkled and her face looked so sour that Naruto wondered whether she ate only lemons. Unfortunately before he could point any of these facts out and demand the Old Man finds him another caretaker, Sarutobi said that he was sure they'll go along splendidly and disappeared from the room in a shunshin. He did it a lot lately. In fact, he did it every time he left the ten year old boy with a new caretaker. So the two remained in the room alone, studying each other intently. The old councilwoman was the first to break the silence.

"Come, Naruto," she said in a cold, unfriendly voice.

"Do you ever smile?" Naruto asked instead of obeying her command.

"I said come with me," Koharu repeated sternly.

"You really can't smile, can you?" the boy asked, still not moving from his spot.

"I can," Koharu repeated and smiled. As she was horribly out of practice, it wasn't much of a smile. "And now come with me." This time the child obeyed. Koharu considered it her victory. Little did she know that Naruto did it only because he decided he'd teach her to smile.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Utatane Koharu had been glad initially when she became the guardian of Uzumaki Naruto. She thought that her old teammate Hiruzen was too soft and stupid (and becoming even older, softer and stupider lately) because he didn't train the jinchuuriki as a weapon of Konoha. But now she had the golden opportunity to remedy the situation. She knew that she had to tread carefully, she remembered what had happened to Danzo when he tried to reeducate the child too fast and too harshly. So she used all the patience she possessed to make the boy trust her in order to convert him to her worldview. She had thought that her patience was great, honed by decades of ninja life and dealing with her too naive teammate, but she had quickly learned that it wasn't enough to withstand the antics of one Uzumaki Naruto. The brat was insufferable.

It had started simply, when her sugar had been exchanged for salt the day after she had brought the blond menace home. She almost drunk a really horrible cup of coffee, but as a veteran kunoichi she spotted the trap in time. She scolded her ward for it and thought that it was over. The next day there was a bucket of water above her door. It was really obvious and she saw it from a mile away. She berated Naruto for the sloppy job. That was a mistake. Naruto took her advice to heart and the next day the tripwire that would spill a bucket of mud on her head was concealed almost decently. It still wasn't enough to fool her. The snails in her sandals that followed were really obvious, but she had to throw out the pair of shoes afterwards. She just knew she would never get the slime out of them.

Naruto tried to prank her every day, sometimes even several times a day. It annoyed her to no end, but she had to admit that he was getting better. After two weeks his tripwires were so well hidden that her aging eyes had trouble spotting them. Soon he'd actually be able to catch her in one of his traps, which would be an impressive feat. Koharu recognized it as such and was glad for the boy's progress, no matter that she was the target of his attacks. She was pragmatic. But she still scolded him for his pranks.

Three days later Naruto actually got her. He added red dye into her shampoo without her noticing. It wasn't until she looked at herself in the mirror that she realized that her hair was now pink. How was she supposed to look dignified and respectable with pink hair? It made her look girly, despite all the wrinkles in her face. Now she was really angry.

"Naruto!" she called. No answer. Of course there wouldn't be any. The boy wasn't fond of her scolding and avoided it as much as he could. He was improving in that skill too. But he still wasn't good enough to hide from her when she really wanted to find him. So half an hour later she was holding him by his collar, glaring at him as hard as she could, and that was a lot. And the brat didn't even have the decency to squirm. Instead he grinned. That infuriated the old councilwoman even more.

"What's so funny?" she growled.

"You! You look like Sakura-chan!" Koharu knew who he was referring to and didn't like the comparison one bit. She was a real kunoichi, not some useless fangirl!

"How many times did I tell you to stop pranking me?"

"A lot," the boy answered sincerely.

"So why do you still do it?"

"To make you smile," he answered. "You don't smile so I want to give you something to laugh at." She couldn't detect any falsehood in his speech.

"Naruto, pranks aren't funny for the one on the receiving end," she explained.

"Huh?" the child looked puzzled. "It looks funny from here."

"But it doesn't look funny from here," she informed him and them proceeded to dish out his punishment.

She thought that now Naruto knew that what he was doing was wrong, he'd stop, but it wasn't to be. Either he couldn't understand that pranks weren't funny for the person on the receiving end or he didn't care. Koharu suspected that it was the latter. The next day a whole shaker of pepper ended up in her soup. Good thing she liked spicy food, otherwise she would have cried after the first spoon. It was followed by several more tripwires she managed to avoid. Then there was some powder in her new shoes, she suspected it was of the itching variety. She didn't try them on. This one proved to be a distraction because the real danger came in the form of another tripwire, this time concealed so well she had missed it completely until her foot caught on it. After that she could just cover her head and scream as a bucket of caterpillars was emptied on her head. She yelled at Naruto so hard his ears nearly fell off after that, but the boy still refused to cease his annoying activity. The next day there were some very suggestive ornaments drawn on her best dress. The day after the obscene decorations appeared on her walls too. And then there was another tripwire, this time releasing a stinkbomb. She couldn't get the stench out of her house for three days.

The last straw was when Naruto somehow managed to tie a live bat to her hair needle when she dozed off for a moment. Now Utatane Koharu was an old kunoichi, veteran of many battles and missions that would have given seasoned Anbu nightmares, and she wasn't squeamish or easily scared, as proven by the fact that she could take being doused in caterpillars with only one scream. But there were some things she couldn't stand and bats were one of them, especially if they were in her hair, scratching and clawing as they were trying to get away from the big screeching thing they were tied to. And Koharu shrieked like a little girl when she woke up to find a bat in her hair. It took her ten minutes to disentangle the panicking animal, wipe the blood off her scratched face and calm her nerves enough to be able to speak coherently again. And Naruto spent the whole time in the room, rolling on the floor with laughter.

That was when she decided she had enough. Any more of this and her old heart might not hold under the strain. Just like Danzo six years earlier, Utatane Koharu decided that some things just weren't worth it. Even if it was for the benefit of Konoha.


	12. Suzume

**Author's note: **I'm using a very minor character here, so I'm taking some liberties with her. For those of you who can't recall her, she's the teacher of the kunoichi class in Sakura and Ino's flashback.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Suzume**

Sarutobi was worried. That was nothing unusual; he was the Hokage, so he had a lot of issues to worry about. But today there was nothing to worry about and that was what had him worried. The quiet was unnatural. It had been over a month since he had assigned Naruto a new guardian and there wasn't a single complaint yet. That should have been a good thing, a sign that the Academy instructor was capable and handled the boy well, but as Sarutobi mentioned earlier, it was unnatural.

Usually it took a week or two at most before either the caretaker came into his office whining that s/he couldn't take it anymore or the citizens of Konohagakure were sending mass complaints about what the demon-brat and the whacko currently minding him were up to. But this time it was different. The Sandaime wanted to believe that there were no complaints because everything was going well, but he had been a ninja long enough not to believe in such miracles. There just had to be something wrong and he just hadn't heard about it yet. And his experience told him that the longer it took for the problem to come to light the worse it would be. And so he decided to take a look for himself and find out the state of things before it blew up in his face.

He told his secretary to cancel all his appointments for the rest of the afternoon (he didn't want to see any of the people anyway) and headed towards the small house where the Academy teacher lived. As he walked, he thought about the possible reasons why Suzume Namida didn't complain about Naruto yet. Did she have the patience of a saint? As the teacher of the kunoichi classes she had to be able to put up with a lot, but he doubted she didn't mind some of Naruto's antics. Did she perhaps have enough and just locked him in the basement and threw away the key like that man last year? If so, then he'd deal with her just like he did with that moron.

Then he stood in front of Suzume's house. It seemed perfectly ordinary, well-kept and clean. No windows were broken, no trashcans overturned, no graffiti sprayed on the walls. Maybe everything was really going well? Or maybe Suzume had killed Naruto and disposed of the body? His experienced ninja senses immediately picked four places where it could be buried. Then he shook his head. He shouldn't immediately assume the worst. Though a ninja who didn't expect the worst was a dead ninja.

He cut the idle speculations short and walked into the house. He didn't bother to knock; he was the Hokage so he didn't have to. And he didn't want to give the woman a warning in advance that he was coming. Inside everything seemed normal and orderly. But no home could possibly look normal and orderly after Naruto had lived there for over a month. It made the old man worry even more.

When he walked into the living room, he finally saw Naruto's assigned caretaker. She was kneeling on the ground, instructing a girl of about seven years on the proper way of arranging flowers. It was nice of Suzume that she was giving one of her pupils a remedial lesson. The girl in the blue dress really had no idea how to properly make ikebana and what meaning each flower held. Not only was her creation ugly, it also conveyed a very specific message. Sarutobi chuckled to himself when he imagined what would happen if she actually presented it to a boy, providing that the boy understood the language of flowers.

But the comic relief aside, he still didn't see Naruto anywhere. Before he could conduct a more thorough search, the lady of the house spotted him.

"Hokage-sama!" she stood up and bowed. "To what do I owe the honor of your visit?"

"Good day to you, Suzume-san," Sarutobi replied politely. He still didn't have proof that she had harmed Naruto, so he had to remain civil. "I came to see today how Naruto is doing."

"As you can see, Hokage-sama, he's doing well," the Academy teacher answered, gesturing towards the girl. The blonde girl with blue eyes and whisker-like marks on her cheeks. The Sandaime blinked in surprise, thinking that his eyes must be deceiving him.

"Hi, Old man," the girl, no, Naruto, grinned and waved. So his eyes weren't deceiving him. Nobody else called the Hokage that.

"Naruto!" Suzume snapped. "Watch your manners! Is this any way to greet the Hokage?" The boy cowered under her gaze.

"I'm sorry," he said sheepishly. Then he straightened up and bowed. "Welcome to our home, Hokage-sama." Sarutobi was speechless. Was this really Naruto? The last time he checked the boy couldn't speak politely if his life depended on it and now he was a proper young lady?

"Naruto? Is that really you?" he asked. The child in question looked like he wanted to shout something for a moment, but a stern glare from behind Suzume's glasses stopped him.

"Yes, Hokage-sama," he spoke.

"You did a wonderful job taming him," Sarutobi said, a bit unsure whether he wasn't hallucinating the whole scene. (A similar incident had happened once, when a certain prankster spiced up the contents of his pipe.)

"Thank you, Hokage-sama," the Academy teacher replied.

"I've never imagined it was possible," the village leader continued while Naruto listened patiently. "Most people cannot handle him. How do you do it?"

"Oh, that's easy, Hokage-sama," Suzume smiled. "Compared to the kunoichi classes I teach Naruto is a little angel."

"Really?" The aging village leader wondered just what kind of girls Suzume's usual pupils were.

"Really," the Academy teacher confirmed. "There were some trouble at the beginning, but once I used the secret method that allows me to deal with the young kunoichi wannabes, everything became alright."

"I'm glad to hear that," Sarutobi nodded approvingly, "but why is Naruto dressed like a girl?"

"My secret method wouldn't work otherwise," Suzume explained. "It's meant to be used on girls."

"I see," the Sandaime said. He saw that he was facing a huge dilemma here. On one hand, he had finally found somebody who was able to make Naruto behave and turn him into a proper lady, a feat he had previously considered impossible. On the other hand Suzume was turning him into a proper lady. So what was he to do now?

In the end he decided to take Naruto away from the kunoichi class teacher before he could develop serious gender identity issues. He came to regret the decision three days later when the complaints on Naruto's behavior began piling up on his desk.


	13. Kurenai

**Author's note: **It took a while, but I'm back. I still have ideas for more chapters; they'll appear whenever I find the drive to actually write them.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Kurenai**

Kurenai sighed in relief. She was beginning to despair that she would never get away, that the little monster would keep her tied down forever and she would miss her important secret appointment, but eventually she managed to escape.

She shuddered when she recalled everything the nine years old boy had done to prevent her from leaving on time. First he didn't want to eat his dinner, because it wasn't ramen. Then he spilled his food on her dress. When she changed, he spilled his drink on her dress. Then he refused to go to bed. Then he complained he was hungry. Then he demanded she played with him. Then he begged her to teach him some cool jutsu. Then he was thirsty. And then he wanted her to read him a bedtime story. And then he slipped out of bed and made mess of his room the moment her back was turned. It was so frustrating. The child possessed an endless well of energy and was determined to use it all to drive her nuts and ruin her evening, not necessarily in that order.

She was beginning to despair. She was a jounin and he was just an Academy student and yet he was getting the better of her. That was intolerable. She had to win this clash of wills, even if she had to use drastic means to do so. It felt like cheating, but she didn't care anymore. In the end, she had to resort to using her strongest sleeping genjutsu on the little monster. Only when she made sure he was dead to the world she headed out, already over an hour late.

She slipped through the streets of Konoha like a shadow, making sure nobody followed her. It would be very bad if anybody got wind of what she was going to do. Finally she arrived at the clandestine meeting spot. Asuma was already waiting for her, trying not to look impatient.

"Sorry," she smiled apologetically. "I couldn't get Naruto to sleep." The man just nodded understandingly. He too had the misfortune of caring for the little hellion before.

"It's alright now, love," he reassured her. "Nobody will bother us now." And so their secret date began. Soon they were kissing like hormonal teenagers.

Then, just as she was floating in a world of pure bliss, a loud shout woke her up rudely.

"Here they are!" She separated her lips from Asuma's and looked at the source of the voice. Sure enough, there stood Naruto, still in his pajamas and grinning like a cat who just ate the canary. _How did he break the sleeping genjutsu? _she wondered. Before she found an answer, Naruto shouted again. "KURENAI AND ASUMA ARE KISSING!" It was so loud that whole Konoha must have heard.

"Now you did it," the red-eyed woman growled. Her hands formed seals almost on their own volition. "Genjutsu: World of no ramen no jutsu!" Naruto's eyes widened in shock as the illusion took effect.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And so Kurenai was fired for traumatizing her charge severely. Naruto then spent a week at Ichiraku's to make sure that ramen still existed and it wasn't going anywhere.


	14. Tsume

**Author's note: **Another chapter here. I hope everybody is in character.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I don't write for profit, just for fun.**

**Tsume**

The Hokage had a free afternoon. No bothersome Council meetings were scheduled, no petitioners pleading him for something or other, no foreign dignitaries to deliver thinly veiled threats. Bliss. Well, there was still paperwork to fill and sign, but Sarutobi decided that it could wait for a day. His distaste for the infernal stuff had just reached critical level and if he had to deal with just one more important document, he'd snap and use the Katon: Bye, Bye, Paperwork no Jutsu. He shuddered when he remembered the last time he couldn't resist and actually did it. He had burned some really important stuff. Like the spy report that could have saved several of his shinobi from an ambush had he read it. The petition from two clans that took badly to his ignoring them and nearly started a civil war. And most importantly the note about his upcoming wedding anniversary. Biwako had been so annoyed that he forgot and spared no effort to let him know.

So paperwork was definitely out of the question. But what else could he do so he wouldn't look like he was slacking off? There were quite a lot of things, but they required dealing with people he didn't like, so he didn't feel like doing most of them. Eventually he decided that he could go and see how Naruto was doing. He headed towards the Inuzuka compound.

"Hello there, Hokage-sama," Tsume greeted him once he arrived.

"Good day to you too, Tsume-san," he replied. "And Kuromaru," he added when the large black dog at her feet growled.

"I'm here too," Tsume's husband spoke from where he huddled in the corner.

"Shut up," his wife barked, "the Hokage didn't come to talk to you." The man fell silent obediently.

The Hokage exchanged pleasantries with the head of the Inuzuka clan for a while before addressing the issue he came to see her about.

"So where is Naruto?"

"The pups are in the backyard," the Inuzuka clan head answered. "Hana is babysitting them."

"Then let's go see them." The whole Inuzuka family followed by the Hokage filed out of the room.

When they entered the backyard, they saw a girl of six or seven years playing with three tiny grey puppies. She was so engrossed with them that she didn't even notice their arrival.

"Where are Naruto and Kiba?" Tsume asked.

"There," Hana pointed without raising her head. They looked the indicated direction and saw absolutely no children.

"They aren't there," Tsume stated.

"Huh?" Hana finally looked up and scanned the courtyard with a confused expression. "Where did they go?" Tsume grabbed her daughter by her collar.

"How could you let them wander off?" she growled. The little girl shrieked. "What if something happened to them? What if somebody kidnapped them?" Hana trembled, looking about to cry.

"Don't overdo it, honey," Tsume's husband tried to help his daughter. The woman turned to him, a feral snarl on her already feral face. The man shrunk back.

"Don't tell me how to raise our children," she barked. "What if something happened to our poor little Kiba-chan?" The man looked even more scared than his daughter. The Hokage decided to interject before this turned into a case of domestic violence.

"Maybe we can find them," he suggested. "You are the best trackers in the village, are you not?

"That's right, Hokage-sama, we'll find the little ones in no time," Tsume stated confidently and then nudged her dog.

Kuromaru sniffed the air for a bit. "Follow me," he said and ran off. The group rushed after him. Soon they reached a meadow near the kennels where a cluster of puppies was playing. "Here," the giant ninken said. They looked but they couldn't see the missing children at first. Then they noticed that two of the bodies crawling on the ground on wobbly paws were of a different shape. They belonged to two brown-haired toddlers. Correction, only one of them was brown-haired. The other one only looked that way after rolling around in the mud.

"There they are," Tsume pointed with a smile. "You see, they are playing happily." The Hokage frowned a bit. It was true that Naruto was smiling, but there were a few things wrong with the scene.

"He's almost two years old now," he pointed out. "Shouldn't he be able to walk already?"

"Moving around on all fours is perfectly natural," Tsume replied.

"Much faster than on just two," Kuromaru agreed. Tsume's husband looked like he wanted to say something, but her glare shut him up.

"He should also say his first words already," Sarutobi continued. Naruto let out a few whining and barking sounds as he and his puppy friends crawled towards the group, wanting to check out the newcomers.

"He speaks just fine," Tsume insisted. "Can't you hear?"

"He has a bit of an accent, but he'll grow out of it," her canine partner added. Tsume's husband finally couldn't take it anymore and spoke his opinion.

"Honey, he's a human child, not a puppy." Tsume turned towards him and growled.

"He's my little puppy. I'm taking care of him properly." The man cowered before his wife's barking.

"People would be more inclined to believe that Naruto is a normal human child if he acted like one," the Sandaime pointed out.

"But just look at him. Does he look like a demon?" Tsume asked. Sarutobi shook his head.

By that time Naruto and his friends reached their group. Naruto began sniffing the hem of Hokage's robes.

"Isn't he adorable?" Tsume cooed. Combined with her feral appearance it looked creepy. Her husband took a step back unconsciously.

Hiruzen had to agree. Naruto was adorable even if he had rolled around in the smelliest stuff he could find and was acting like a puppy. In fact, it made him even cuter. And he did look happy. Those were points in Tsume's favor. The fact that the child was acting like an animal was against her. Sarutobi was a bit torn on this one. Then Naruto lifted his leg and peed on his robes. In his shock the Sandaime almost missed Kiba attempting to do the same on the other side. That did it. The Hokage decided to give the child to somebody who will teach him to act like a human and potty-train him properly.


	15. Itachi

**Author's note: **Another chapter here. Somebody many reviewers have been asking for finally shows up. Also thanks for over 300 reviews.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Itachi**

Sarutobi sighed. Once again Naruto had been delivered into his office after his latest caretaker suffered a mental breakdown. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised. The man had lasted quite long, in fact, he might have set a new best time for a civilian, the Third would have to check the records to be sure, but eventually even he was reduced to a sobbing shell of a person. And the seven-year boy with the face of a little angel but a very different behavior was once again temporarily in his care. And it had to happen just when there was a foreign ambassador demanding audience with the Hokage right now or else, and when the 'or else' could mean war, the Sandaime couldn't afford to make him wait while he looked for a suitable caretaker for Naruto. So he just handed the child to the nearest Anbu and told him to watch over the boy for the rest of the day before steeling himself to deal with the political crisis of the month.

Uchiha Itachi suppressed a sigh, because showing any sign of frustration would be unprofessional. And he couldn't afford to be anything other than professional; many people were already doubting him because seriously, a twelve-year-old Anbu? But Itachi was determined to prove his worth, so he showed no sign of dismay when he had been saddled with babysitting Naruto duty just as his shift was about to end. He was an Anbu agent and he was going to fulfill his duty to the village and the Hokage, no matter how much it messed his plans for the afternoon.

He had promised Sasuke to spend the afternoon with him training and he didn't want to disappoint him after skipping their previous two planned training sessions because he had been busy. But he had a mission and had to carry it out. That was more important than keeping the promise to his younger brother. Then he was struck by an idea worthy of the genius of the Uchiha clan. Why not take Naruto with him when he helped Sasuke train? The boys were about the same age, so they could be friends. His father wouldn't approve, but Itachi didn't care for his approval much. And besides, Fugaku was busy at the Military Police Headquarters, working on some complicated murder case, so he wouldn't be home until very late evening, if he came home tonight at all. It wouldn't be the first time he had stayed at work overnight. He didn't even have to know that Naruto had been there.

Itachi snapped out of his musings when he noticed that Naruto had slipped from his grip and was now running down the corridor in a childish attempt to be stealthy. He caught up with him quickly.

"Do you want to make a friend?" he asked. Naruto's face lit up like a sun. A friend was something he had always wanted. He nodded enthusiastically. "Then come with me."

Itachi was a bit apprehensive of how would Sasuke react to his charge, but he didn't have to be. Sasuke was ecstatic to have a friend too and soon the boys were running around the training field, playing a game only they understood. Now the only question remained how will his mother take it.

Mikoto wasn't very happy with the situation. Naruto might be the son of her best friend, but... ah, that was exactly the problem. She still remembered just how destructive Kushina could be as a child and she didn't want somebody who took after her running around the Uchiha clan compound. But so far Naruto was doing nothing bad, so maybe it would be alright. She really wanted to stay and watch over them, but she had an appointment with her hairdresser. She couldn't afford to miss that. As the wife of the Uchiha clan head it was her duty to represent her clan and she couldn't do that with split ends, could she? That would bring shame to the name Uchiha. And besides, Itachi was here. He was a genius. An Anbu at twelve. He could take care of everything. And so she headed to the hairdresser, leaving the three children alone.

Soon after she was gone, Itachi decided to start the promised shuriken-throwing lesson. Sasuke was good as always. Naruto... Itachi couldn't decide whether he was so bad or so good. His shuriken never hit the designated targets, but if he was actually aiming at the windows, then his performance was impeccable.

Eventually he called it quits. Both boys were getting a bit tired, their hands a bit cut by the shuriken, and there weren't any more windows for Naruto to break. And besides, all of them were hungry. So Itachi lead them to the kitchen and Naruto demanded ramen. Itachi thought 'why not' and tried to prepare it. Unfortunately he had spent most of his time training to be a shinobi and his cooking lessons had suffered for it. Naruto tried to help enthusiastically and Sasuke joined in with his own culinary tips. Before they made something that only very vaguely resembled ramen, yet Naruto still slurped it like the food of gods, the kitchen was a complete mess.

After the lunch break it was playtime again. At times Itachi wanted to intervene when the games got too destructive, but when he saw how happy Sasuke was, he decided against it. He would do nothing to shatter his brother's happiness, even if it meant having new decorations on their house and losing some of the old ones. Eventually another Anbu appeared, informing him that the Hokage had found a new caretaker for Naruto and they should report to the Tower immediately. So after a tearful goodbye from Sasuke and a promise to come and play again, they left.

The sun was already down when Fugaku called it a day and left his office at the Military police headquarters. It hadn't been a good day. It was outright bad. They had made absolutely no progress on the murder case and a swarm of angry grieving relatives had been demanding results all day. And how was he supposed to work when they wouldn't stop bugging him? It was frustrating, so his mood was understandably foul. He just looked forward to a quiet evening at home. Maybe Mikoto could do something to improve his mood. She was good at that.

But as he neared the Uchiha clan compound, he noticed something terribly amiss. His first clue was that the Uchiha fans decorating the outer wall were now painted over and the neon orange color formed rather rude symbols. 'Was the demon brat here again?' he thought. 'Why didn't anybody chase him away?' Such negligence from the guards was inexcusable. When he walked through the gate, an even worse sight greeted him. The flowerbeds in the garden were completely ruined, as if a giant mole had dug through them. The rest of the front yard looked like a battlefield, just sans any corpses. Though that would change the moment the Uchiha clan head caught the culprit responsible. The windows were all broken. There were more orange squiggles on the house. Inside, there were yet more squiggles and the kitchen was a complete disaster. And he was almost sure that the shards on the ground used to be a priceless antique china statue that was their family heirloom.

"What happened here?" he asked no-one in particular.

"I played with Naruto," Sasuke answered cheerfully.

"The brat was here?" Fugaku growled.

"Yes," the boy nodded, completely ignoring his father's foul mood. "Itachi-nii brought him here. He was minding him as an order from the Hokage."

So the Hokage had ordered the Demon Brat into their clan compound? And allowed him to wreak havoc there? That was an insult. But he couldn't do much against the Hokage. He just grumbled and walked into his room, slamming the door behind here. There he came upon the worst sight yet. The altar to his ancestors had been disturbed. The bowl for offerings now contained ramen and the photo of his late father now sported three whisker marks on each cheek, made in permanent marker. Had Fugaku paid more attention to his children, he might have recognized Sasuke's hand behind his father's makeover. But he didn't and so he jumped to the wrong conclusion. And even if he did, he would just assume that the Demon had corrupted his poor innocent son.

That was the last straw. A ruined home his pride could swallow, though just barely, but a desecrated shrine to his ancestors he could not. Some insults just couldn't be forgiven. If the Hokage insisted on disrespecting them like this, he was going to show him just why the Uchiha clan was the most feared among all shinobi clans. The Sandaime was strong, so it would take some preparations to take him down. But he will do it, or else his home might be invaded by the Demon again. And he was determined to prevent that at all costs. When he was in charge of Konoha, such things won't happen again. And best of all, the Demon Brat who loved to prank his Police Force wouldn't bother him ever again. It would take some planning, so he should start immediately.


End file.
